Ban the Twinkle Lights!
~ This article first appeared in The Leader Vindicator newspaper. ~
“So, what do YOU think about solar power?”
The question almost sounds like a dare.
It’s interesting that everywhere is a conversation waiting to tackle electrical generation and nowhere is the chat about how we use electricity.
Consider twinkle lights. According to Statista.com the US spent approximately $3.6 billion on Christmas decorations in 2022. A drop in the bucket compared to the numbers we hear coming out of Washington, certainly, but a sizeable chunk of change nonetheless because not a penny of it is necessary to sustain life and such staggering statistics of expenditure occur annually.
And think about the decorations: They’re cheap, plastic things borne of petroleum and engineered to survive for about a month before breaking. Just this year as we pulled the little lights off our tree Gina and I noted two of the three strands had malfunctioned, dooming them to the trash heap. Indeed, so severe is the after-Christmas disposal derby that our faithful garbage man always sends out a plea to be patient with him as he lugs away all the debris before the New Year.
My favorite thing to do in early December is to stand in the Christmas section of Walmart and marvel at the floor-to-ceiling decor manufactured in China so we can adorn our living rooms. Nearly 100% of the materials on hand will occupy space in a landfill within five years. And the checkout lines sing their chorus: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Inevitably while I have this image fresh in my mind someone will ask the solar power question as though we’re about to dive into some deep intellectual territory. The discussion rivals in sensibility an argument about whether or not to purchase a sprinkler system while the house is burning down. Extinguish the house first, dummy, and then figure out your fireproofing.
There are some extraordinary gains to be made by curbing unnecessary consumption. Reduction is one of those rare actions that yields rapid results and costs nothing, so let’s put out the fire before approving the spending increase. But where are the people asking me what I think about decorations? Is there an anti-blow-up society protesting the energy required to keep a six foot snowman inflated, albeit horizontal, on the front lawn? Why doesn't the White House make grand speeches regarding the gross expenditure of resources represented by twinkle lights across the Nation?
It sounds ridiculous to oppose seasonal adornment. We have five inflatable characters at home and our son Henry loves them. When I grumble that they’re a foolish waste from inception to inevitable disposal, a mockery of human intelligence and responsibility, the argument rings awkward in the ear. Adults shy away from my complaints and tell me to stop being such a negative influence during a festive time of year. I understand that it sounds weird. What is actually weird about the whole situation is that people will lean in with interest if I rant about the food we are eating or the cars we drove to the party, but mention discontinuing Frosty and I’m a psycho.
If we’re going to have the discussion about society’s effect on the environment, as the ubiquitous solar power question suggests we should, then the topic must be all-encompassing instead of narrowly focused. Too narrow of a focus ruins the results. For example, when power generation is the narrow target all aspects of life are affected. By forcing sweeping so-called green energy reform the costs of growing and distributing necessary things like food become burdensome and everyone gets tense because of the squeeze they experience. We’re putting pressure on one area and ignoring everything else. Therefore solar power, a brilliant strategy that can be employed in multiple areas of life, will flounder along under pressure as a political topic, supported by half the country and detested by the rest, with no thought whatsoever of its true potential.
I’ve decided that from now on when people ask me what I think about solar power I’m going to respond with my proposal to completely eliminate decorations – Christmas, New Year, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, everything. I’ll allow real wreaths and a real tree for Christmas, because such things can rot, and real eggs for Easter because they can be eaten once they’re rousted out of hiding. But forget the inflatable turkey on Thanksgiving. Maybe the government can create a decoration buy-back program to incentivize the undecorating of America. They can pile the refuse somewhere out of the way, like on the lawn of the White House, where it can remain forever as a monument to a dark time in history when nobody thought but everybody fought.
Imagine how much more space we will find in our attics! Oh, dear friend, relish the time liberated from anchoring a skeleton to the front porch in October! And what of our resources? Surly they will be more readily abundant! We can allocate the surplus for something good, like funding agriculture within our community so we have food for tomorrow! The Eden we can create! The stability we can realize within our communities!
Oh, never mind. That’s just crazy talk. Plug in the plastic hearts and vote for whatever policy is trending on the news. Surely the results will be good.