Me Problem

~ This article first appeared in The Leader-Vindicator newspaper. ~

Throughout the history of this column I’ve tended towards a snarky demeanor, using my platform to take cheap shots at one component or another of society as though perhaps I myself am just a tad more tuned in than they are, whoever they may be.  The truth is that the critiques are a deflection away from my own insecurities.  When I’m talking down about someone else I’m really hoping that nobody notices the same flaws in me.

Re-read all of my stuff, and whenever you see a haughty finger pointing towards someone else you can substitute my name in front of it.  Then you will have a better idea of who is doing the writing.  It’s nice to finally meet you.

There is plenty of advice for people like me who are afflicted by the flaws of everyone around them.  We’re urged to take responsibility for ourselves before we go worrying about all the other screwed up people we’d like to be rid of.  It’s stated many different ways: Don’t be the problem, be the solution.  Mind your own mess.  Perhaps the most famous is Jesus’ charge to remove the beam of wood from our own eye before attempting to pick the speck out of our neighbor’s.  Most people are familiar with some form of this saying.

Self regulation is a massively difficult charge being tossed around as though it is simple instruction; we hear it so often that we minimize the extraordinary scope of what it means to be in control of oneself.  In January I became so frustrated that I adopted a scorched-earth mentality to clear out the clutter.  I stopped reading books of any kind.  I stopped listening to the radio.  I stopped worrying about the results of my work, determining that I would do my best and let that be enough.  I stopped worrying about other people’s work.  I quit every distraction I routinely turn to in the face of discomfort and allowed myself to just sit and experience the things I prefer to avoid. 

I decided to use all my new found quiet time to do unnecessary work like dishes and budgeting and cleaning out the cat litter.  This is not because I’m a wonderful and selfless husband; rather, I set out to prove all of that dumb advice wrong.  There is no way I can get anything successful done if I’m puttering around at home.

Much to my chagrin, I’m still getting everything accomplished that I need to in addition to the new chores I contemptuously embraced.  In fact, I think I’m doing a better job all around.  I recognize a sense of lucidity and improved stamina because I’m not spending my moments looking forward to some distraction.

There are two important lessons embedded in this experience, and neither one is easy to accept.

First, I’m not nearly as important as I believe myself to be.  I essentially turned off everything and in that absence life went on around me without a hitch.

Second, a huge majority of my time was spent accomplishing frivolous activities.  Truly I am shocked by the wasted space that I never even noticed.

At face value that’s about the most depressing reality the world has to offer.  Under the surface there is structure.  The structure is that we can get free from the weight of the world when we accept the fact that it’s not nearly as big of a deal as we want it to be.  When we shed ourselves of the big ego and the big problems and the big stress we’re suddenly available to grind out the wee little details that get overlooked by the cinematic perspective of society.  Ironically, those wee little details have a much bigger impact than the big important schemes we all want to be a part of – that I want to be a part of.

Admitting a “me problem” is necessary for the future of agriculture.  The mindset encourages solutions for immediately proximate problems and ignores the distractions of global calamity.  From my own experience I’ve learned that this is no easy task; rather, it mandates humility and personal sacrifice, two foreign concepts in a world of limitless progress.  But the current charade is ridiculous.  Grand solutions are proposed and they’re supported by wee little bad habits that are sure to topple the whole tower.   We first have to tackle the bad habits and that starts with me, not someone else.

What a challenge!  Self sacrifice feels so uncontrollable.  There has to be a level of trust that we’ll get what we want by giving it up.  This theory can be tested with the small stuff, like cleaning out the cat dirt when you’d rather work on a project.  Try it.  I lived.  I actually manage regularly to get both tasks accomplished.  I bet you will too.  Applied as a whole, I believe we’d soon discover that every person working on their own details would yield grand results on a national scale, thus accomplishing the solution we deliberately set aside to make time for the detail work.